I wish I could turn back the pages of my life
So I could say all the words I couldn't find before
Everything would be the way it should have been
All the small things that go wrong, I wouldn't mind anymore

Instead I don't know how to fix my mistakes
They've piled up on one another and I can't break away
I've finally found the courage to do what should be done
We won't speak to eachother anymore after today

Corset

Your steel caged embrace surrounds me
The way no lover's arms ever have.
I breathe in and feel the sweet pain
Of your tightly laced adoration.
I am restrained, but no matter,
For I am a beauty in your eyes.
Hold me close forever so that
My imprisoned ribs may break for your
Pleasure.

And So It Goes...

Oh, to be young and in love.

And so many things go wrong,
And nothing seems to be going right.

But maybe someday? Someday things will be alright.
And we can look back with a clear mind and say
"At least we tried."

Don't I know it, too?
To love and not be loved?
To watch him hold hands with another girl?

But...

Oh...

We may jump and we may fall,
But at least we've felt what it's like to fly.

I am Awake

When I dream, all the most impossible things make perfect sense to me. I understand each and every one of my actions and those of others. But when I wake, all that was clear clouds over with mist and the daylight strikes it through and disperses it all.

Also, this world that I live in makes no sense. Isn't it supposed to?

Summer Storm

The shutters were thrown open and I was balanced on the window sill. I heard the rustle of the dried flowers that hung over my bed, protesting the strong winds that ran through the room. My hair coiled around me, catching a leaf that soon fluttered into the night. I was drenched and the carpet probably was, too, but I didn't care. I lost myself in the warm and comforting rain that danced across my face, my neck, my chest, pulsing with a heart beat of its own. It ran down my body and through my nightgown, sticking the thin cloth to my skin. The air smelled like lighting and the raindrops tasted like sugar on my tongue.

Red Letter Madness

it's 9:23 on Sunday night and i must tell you how much i love you at 9:23 pm on a Sunday night because you stay and JUST wander in my MIND i cant sleep I LOVE YOU and i HATE you and you still HAUNT me even though its been a YEAR your stupid goddamn MEMORY still haunts me in my SLEEP in my DREAMS and all around me i hear rumors stories truths lies PAIN and its always YOU you're NOT a part of my LIFE anymore go away leave me alone get out of my head...

In the Hearth of your Heart

What is love but a flame in the heart?
It may burn strong and steady
It may burn strong and fast.
All your feelings of passion
Are kindling in the fire
And smoke in the air.

Red-gold embers that lay
Beneath ashes
Glow with remembrance
Of feeling needed

Wanted

Loved...

Lonely Thoughts

It has almost been a full year
And yet I cannot forget you.
I have forgiven you
And still cannot forget.

Raw emotion
And basic needs
How can I express in words?

Scarred
With my thoughts
I cannot give up dead memories
Of illusion

Affect, effect
You are both
Reactant, catalyst, and product
Unbalanced equation of
Love

You will not comfort me again
You were? Are? False
I cannot forget
I am lost, confused, and
Lonely

Dream?

I walk through oceans of shimmering blue and green, white foam rising and falling above my head. Creatures of thousands of colors dart past my eyes and disappear as quickly as they appeared. I continue walking.
Suddenly, the jeweled waters melt into rolling waves of people. Claustrophobic fear rises up inside me and pushes at my frantically beating heart. Looking around, I see no one I recognize, as this sea of faceless figures marches on. Oblivious to eachother and the white world around them, they only know their destination and their haste to get there. They stop.
All of the figures melt into snowflakes that drift in the suddenly cold air. They leave behind one person facing away from me, his form curiously sharper than those of the others. Dressed in a navy blue t-shirt and slighty baggy jeans, his body is young and fit, showing that he is not quite yet a man, as I had first assumed, but no longer a boy either. His shoulder-length black hair danced in an unfelt wind. He turned around.
Chiseled features formed a straight, tall nose, high cheekbones, and slightly thin, but perfect lips. Piercing green was fused with a rich, golden brown in those eyes that bleached all color and shape from this world I was in. His flawless lips parted and a puff of warm breath formed as he whispered.
"Wake up."
And I did.

Some things...

I couldn't sleep last night
But my eyes wouldn't open
And as I lay there thinking
I did not think of you
Or of anyone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a red sun
Setting on a blue sea
And a girl sitting on a rock
Drifting away from me

I saw gray flowers
In the fog and the mist
I saw a moon in the water
And skies cried for neither exist

I saw a golden coin
Turn red with widow's tears
And a silver ring of memories
Buried with his fears

I saw the ashes of a boy
Turn to earth and turn to spring
An old dream died and a new hope lived
Silhouettes of a man with wings

Tell Me

In those dark and early hours
When the stars watch me with their many eyes,
Who do I think of?

In those lonely, crowded days
When I drift by and ignore the world,
Who am I mourning over?

In those unwilling, restless nights
When all can't sleep but I am gone in synthetic slumber,
Who becomes my phantasy?

Tell me.
I want to know.

Will I?

When every thing is gone
And time drifts away
Will I remember?
Will you remember me?

Dedicated to Vodka

His face is that of an angel,
Romantic eyes
And a sweet, sensuous mouth
The smiles sheepishly
At your attempts of seduction.

Changed,
He is a god
Of attracting girls
And chasing older women.

We haven't met in over a year.
I love you still.

She

She has the voice of a siren,
And the lips of a thousand roses.
Her hair flows with the northern wind,
And her eyes glow with the blessings of the night.
She has sunkissed skin,
And moonlit eyelashes.
But for all her beauty,
She has the heart of silver daggers.

North of the Wind

North of the wind
South of the rain
East of the sun
West of the moon

Where man cannot tread
Where life does not grow
Where all is cold
Where all is barren

Here lies a truth
Here lies a heart
Here lies a life
Here lies a hope

There lives a song
There lives a color
There lives a scent
There lives a dream

Take me, Leave me, Remember me

Where ever you go, whatever you are, whoever you become,
Take me with you.
Hold me in your arms and never let me go,
No matter what happens.
Leave me if you must, stay with me if you can,
But should you ever depart,
Hold me in your heart and never forget me,
Even if your eyes begin to drift.
Allow our memories to echo, let my words remain,
And keep my image in your mind.
For no matter how far away you are,
No matter how lost in time,

I will still be here, where you left me behind,
Waiting for you to return.

Giving

Anything you want of me, i will give. Anything you ask of me, i will do. Anything you wish of me, i will grant.

You need only to say and i will forgive. You need only to ask and i will forget.

The only wish ungrant, the only thing ungiven, the only thing unforgiveable, the only thing unforgettable.

The only thing not mine to give, the only thing is Time.

Puppet

I hate not knowing what to do, being pulled around by my "heartstrings" which steer me like a puppet. And God is the hand that holds the lead. I hate not knowing. I dont even have a face unless its painted on. A mask to cover the white canvas that is my face, my soul. I act like the people around me because inside, i am nothing. With a porcelain heart, no one should be special, yet there are so many that are. And their presence weighs down on me, on a body supported by silken strings.

If I Tell You That I Love You

If I am just a friend,
Then why do you hold me?
If you do not love me,
Then why do you kiss me?

Do you walk with me,
So that I may trust you?
Do you cradle my heart,
So that it may be easier to break?

As the sun sets and the stars begin to shine,
Do you think of me?
As the moon rises and the night wears on,
Do you dream of me?

If I tell you that I trust you,
That my heart is yours to break,
If I tell you that I love you,

Would you love me back?

Others

My eyes burn with the tears i refuse to let fall. Why am i never good enough for you? When will you ever stop putting me down? Others may be better, may be smarter, prettier, taller, sweeter, but i'm still a human. I still have emotion. Stop telling me im ugly. Stop telling me im stupid. Stop telling me im a slut. I dont want to hear and i dont want to know. If not for mirrors, i'd think myself deformed. If not for knowledge, i'd think myself mindless. If not for friends, i'd think myself immoral, lewd, shameless. There are always others out there better than me. Always others out there thinner, taller, cuter. You want me to be genius, you want me to be beautiful. You want me to be perfect, to be something i can't. No matter how much you yell at me, no matter how many insults you throw, I will never be good enough. All i want is for you to accept me. You cant change who i am. You can't undo what i've become.

Feel

I feel empty. No more feelings of despair, no more feelings of joy. Lost, dazed, confused. No hatred and no anger. No reason to live or die.

I feel like a doll. Silken skin and bones of porcelain. Gossamer hair made of black spider thread. Eyes of glass with black pearls for irises. Painted by the expert hand of Nature. Berry stain for red lips and blushed cheeks. Soul not included.

I feel like a wave of the ocean. Broken and reformed. Lapping at the shores of a world I long to be part of, but always drawn away. I am one with my brethren and yet alone. Lead by the moon, our shepherd, we are the tide of coldness, of detachment. And we always return.

Memories

I remember two eyes peering out at me from my book. I remember going out onto the ice rink for the first time and crying from fear. I remember sitting on the sidewalk with my grandma braiding flowers into my hair. I remember my house in San Fransisco where i'd sit in the attic with the solitary window and reading, the sunlight streaming onto my book, the dustmotes seeming to be faeries. I remember a park in the woods where i used to go, the swing set and the slides.

What i didn't tell you is that i also remember taking a knife into my room. I had planned to slit my wrists and watch the blood flow. What i didn't tell you is that i cut and burn myself. My desk is littered with half molten candles and blood stained blades. I tried to suffocate myself once. It didn't work. what i didn't tell you was that i have 100 sleeping pills in a small, metal canister. I keep them for the day i want everything to go away. I didn't tell you of the times daddy would hit me. I didn't tell you how i wish for him to die. To be murdered, to be in a car crash. I didn't tell you of the times i would imagine killing him myself. I didn't tell you of how much i want to die.

Duckie

Wish

I
wish
to sleep
forever...

And
to always
dream

of

music....

Nighttime Wonderings

I look out into the night sky and I seem to falling...falling up into the endless depths. How can the stars shine so brightly while being surrounded by the cold emptiness that dims all it touches? How can their laughter ring so clearly while being so far away from eachother? When my world is over and the end has once again become the begining, will you still be there? Your eyes reflected in the stars and your voice echoed in the wind. Will your spirit still guard me from all that seeks to harm? How many tears will fall, how many lonely nights will pass, before I, too, am lifted into warm, welcoming arms? How many moons will fade away and come back again before I truly feel the gentle touch of the rising sun's embrace? How long until I, too, share the wisdom of the stars? How long?

Dream

I have dreamed of a magical land, a world of love and adventure, a snow-white stallion, and a knight to rescue me from all dangers. But I have woken up, and my dream has dissolved into reality. My knight in shining armor's just a mere boy i haven't yet found. My fair white steed is just a stuffed animal. My towering castle and vast lands are a two-story house, a driveway, and a backyard. I'm just a 13 year old girl, working my way through highschool. And yet, i cannot stop dreaming. In my subconcious mind, i still rule a world of magical creatures and music. In my dreams, this is my world, my sanctuary. Even as in real life, i sit hugging my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, even as i stare uncomprehendingly at a spot in the air that doesn't exist, i'm still dreaming.

My world

The clouds are crying blood; the sun has set and refused to rise. The earth is barren and the rivers have turned to ice. Hell is freezing over and heaven has already melted. In the painting of my life, the lines are blurring and the paint is washing away in tears continuously shed. Like a mirror that has shattered, my world is falling apart and i cant seem to piece it back together again. Everytime i try, my fingers are cut and i bleed. Even if i finally succeed, there will always be those spider thread lines dividing up the picture and smudges of dried blood covering the secrets. No matter how hard i try, my world will never be completely whole again.

Alone Again

I used to walk alone down the path of life. No one to keep me warm but the sun. No one to keep me safe but myself. I then met you at the crossroads of happiness and we continued walking together. The sands of time blew by and the hours turned into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks into months. You became my protection, you voice and laughter became my warmth. Thus we travelled through spring and summer. I loved you, but as the leaves on the trees changed color and fell, so did the bond between us. At the bridge of heartbreak, you left me and went down a different path. Now, as I travel through a winter of despair, my heart is no longer singing as it did when I was with you. The days grow shorter, the nights longer, and even the sun is no longer here to warm me. No one to protect me from the winds of pain. No one to shelter me from the rains of sorrow, from the snows of longing. I am alone again.

Second Sight

Every time i look in the mirror, i see a face not mine, but someone else's, frozen in horror and pain. Everytime i look out at the ocean, I see not waves of water, but waves of blood. Everytime i look outside during the day, i see not rays of sunshine, but blades of steel. Everytime i look outside during the night, i see not darkness, but the wandering spirits of those long gone. And every time i see these things, i wonder if i am truly among the living, or if I'm already dead.

The girl

Where is the girl that i once knew? The girl that chased the butterflies and ran through the fields. Who could cry when she felt like it and never had to worry about who saw her. Where is the girl who used to smile for no reason at all? The girl who was afraid of the night? Where is one who rejoiced in the sunshine and warm summer breeze? Where is the girl who's laughter could chase away darkness, who's eyes sparkled with joy? She is gone and i am the one she left behind. Never will i match up to her in happiness or warmth, for i am created from the winter and from the cold wind. I am blinded by the light of day, and my smiles could freeze an ocean. Some say i am insane, some say i have no heart. Maybe it's true, maybe they're right, but i am not to blame. She was chased away by the storms, by the bitter snows that shut out the sun. The storms of the heart and the snows of the soul. She is gone, and i may soon leave, too.

Musicbox

Solitary tones of the musicbox, like the solitary beating of my heart. Fading away, slowing down, until it finally stops. Wind it back up again, just to have it die a second time.

Fairytale Love

Dreaming of a fairytale love that'll never be...being swept off my feet by my perfect prince charming...white horses and a carriage...walks alone in the rain...kissing under a full moon's light...my fairytale love that'll never be...

Alone

Cold, alone. music playing, chasing away the fear. but its still there, its always there. darkness. where is he when i need him? gone, everyone. always. tears. why do i cry? darkness. overwhelming me. seeping through my skin. filling my mouth, pouring down my throat. drowning me. mood: lonely. hearing voices. calling to me. mother? no. just me. where is he? gone. everyone's gone. don't you know? no one wants you. no one loves you. how could they? you are nothing in their eyes. unworthy of warmth, of love. no one. tears. crying wont help. weakling. always needing to be rescued. you weakling. no one loves you. no one wants you. don't you know?